"What I do online has nothing to do with our marriage," said Eric. His wife Jennifer disagreed. Worse, her recent discovery of his online flirtations made her doubt her own perceptions. "I've always been deeply in love with my husband," said Jennifer. "Why didn't I notice what was going on? How could he live this double life and not let it show?"
For the last 12 years, Eric and Jennifer had been the envy of all their friends. They shared an easy affection and seemed to have a solid marriage. However, almost from the start, Eric had been secretly chatting with other women. When Jennifer came across an explicit message to an online 'friend,' her world crumbled. "I thought we were the perfect couple," said Jennifer, "but it was all a lie."
When they came to marriage counseling, they needed help navigating painful feelings. "I just wish I could undo that look on her face," said Eric, who felt crushed when he realized how deeply he'd hurt his wife. Getting individual help to end his internet compulsion was the first step. Now it was time to work as a team.
In marriage counseling, both Jennifer and Eric discovered a safe place to be honest with themselves and each other. "I'd always been taught not to let my anger show," said Jennifer. "But I had to find a way to tell Eric how I really felt."
Couples counseling helped the couple respond to each other with emotional honesty. Jennifer learned to share her anger and the hurt beneath it. Eric learned to deal with his own discomfort and really listen. "I was scared when I felt this wall between us," said Eric. "But I think that facing our fears was a really important step. Sharing has helped us feel closer."
For her part, Jennifer felt soothed by their growing closeness and was able to slowly reach out to her husband once more. As they continue their counseling, they are working toward building a new and stronger relationship. "We're not going back to that illusion of 'perfect' marriage," said Jennifer. "But we're both committed to having a relationship based on honesty and respect. For me, that's what love is all about."
Counseling services are absolutely private and confidential. The couples described here are a composite of several actual couples in counseling with me; all identifying details have been changed.