"Kelly and I go for days without speaking," said Jim. "No matter what I do, I can't seem to get through to her anymore." After five years of unsuccessful infertility treatments, their ability to communicate had been eroded by stress and disappointment.
Although they deeply loved one another, they were at a loss on how to support each other while still dealing with their own grief. Both took care of their pain by retreating into their work. "It's been a roller coaster ride of anticipation and failure," said Kelly. "I felt really battered by the whole experience."
By the time they came to couples counseling, they were both concerned about how far they had drifted apart. Kelly admitted that she'd withdrawn into her teaching work in order to protect Jim from her overwhelming feelings of disappointment. For his part, Jim was discouraged at not being able to help his wife. "I felt like I couldn't do anything right," said Jim, "so I gave Kelly her space by spending more time away from home."
Couples counseling helped this couple see the "dance" they were caught in. Instead of shielding each other from their deepest emotions, marriage therapy encouraged them to share these painful feelings. Kelly admitted to Jim that she felt flawed. "I thought it was my fault that we couldn't have a baby," said Kelly. "That made it hard to accept Jim's comfort." Jim, in turn, felt like he wasn't a good enough husband.
Uncovering these feelings in a safe environment let both Kelly and Jim see each other in a more complete way. "We'd both been taking everything so personally," said Jim. "For the first time in years we were able to feel compassion for each other without blaming ourselves."
When they stopped hiding and started sharing, their intimacy blossomed. "It feels so good to be connected again," said Kelly. "I missed wanting Jim - and feeling wanted." Although they have not yet decided what to do about having a child, they feel supported by each other. "Kelly is the most important person in my life," said Jim, reaching for her hand. "I'm so glad to have her back."
Counseling services are absolutely private and confidential. The couples described here are a composite of several actual couples in counseling with me; all identifying details have been changed.