Hereare some strategies that will increase the chances that couples
counseling will help you make the changes you want.
The Big Picture
Get started. According to marriage researcher Dr. John Gottman, couples wait an
average of six years after they are experiencing "serious problems" to
seek counseling. It can take several months to a year or more to change
the patterns that led to these problems. And if your goal is to see if it's possible to rebuild your relationship, set aside conversations about sepraation and divorce while you are in counseling.
Know what you want. When you plan a
trip, it helps to have a destination. If you tell a travel agent, "I
don't want to go to Bolivia," you could end up almost anywhere. When
you say "I'd like to go to Tahiti," you will almost always end up
there. The same is true of relationships. Imagine the kind of
relationship you want in as much detail as you can. How will you and
your partner relate? With a clear vision of your relationship, your
counselor is much more likely to help you create what you want.
Choose a personal goal. People who start couples therapy are
often very clear about how they would like their partner to change.
That's a start. But it's also important to think about how you
would like to change. When you imagine your ideal relationship, how
will you act? What would you like to stop doing, and what would you
like to start doing? Some of the most helpful goals involve finding
ways to stay calm during a disagreement. For example, do you want to
start telling your partner when you're upset instead of staying silent?
Would you like to stop yelling, or commit to finishing a conversation
instead of walking out? If you focus on changing yourself, the
possibilities are endless.
How to Make the Most of Each Session
Plan ahead. Before each session, think about what you want to
accomplish. It's important to be able to talk about disagreements and
past hurts, but it's also important to look at the big picture. What is
working now in your relationship? Is there a negative cycle driving
your conversations? Where are you stuck? What can you talk about today
that would most likely help you and your partner move forward?
Be honest. Talk about the difficult issues that are facing you
and your partner. Can you state your own view even when the two of you
disagree? Can you listen to your partner when the stakes are high? Some
people keep a list of questions, concerns, difficulties, and successes
each week, and bring them to each session. Be honest with your
counselor too - if something works well, or isn't working - let your
counselor know.
Focus on yourself. Focusing on what your partner is doing or not
doing usually creates more conflict. Instead, think about how you are
when you are at your best. Then work toward being your best self
when you are with your partner. When conversations get difficult,
remember to listen for the feelings underneath the words. And remember
to speak from your deepest values.
Identify and resist negative patterns. It's easy to fall into
your relationship's negative cycle, or "dance," when emotions run high.
Challenge yourself to understand and resist this tendency. With the
help of your counselor, identify ways you can step out of the cycle, or
do something different before it even starts. The goal of counseling is
to learn to respond differently to your partner, while still being true
to your core values.
Practice. If you are willing to spend time with each other between sessions, to keep an appreciation journal, and to practice new strategies between sessions, your progress will be much faster.
Take the long view. There will be ups and downs as you progress.
You might have a few good days or weeks, then slip back into negative
patterns. This is not a setback; it's part of the process. The best way
to handle this is to learn from it, then dive in again. There will always be difficult moments. But you can learn to move through them more gracefully, and stay connected with each other.
Only you can decide if what
you want to accomplish is worth the energy and commitment to
do things in a new way. But when you succeed, the rewards are great - a
closer, more satisfying relationship and a happier life.
[an error occurred while processing this directive]
Pat LaDouceur is marriage and and couples therapist with an office
near Berkeley, in Albany, California. She is a "Marriage Friendly
Couples Therapist" Serving the East San Francisco Bay Area including
Albany, Berkeley, El Sobrante, Kensington, Oakland, Piedmont, and
Richmond.She specializes in helping couples feel closer, reduce
conflict, and rebuild trust after infidelity.